Why it’s important for kids to keep talking
I have told the kids on multiple occasions that what goes on at our house is our business, and I don’t care what goes on at their mother’s home, but they continue to talk about it over there.
Q. My husband’s kids come back to our home with all sorts of stories about their mother and what they do at her house. I have told the kids on multiple occasions that what goes on at our house is our business, and I don’t care what goes on at their mother’s home, but they continue to talk about it over there. I don’t know how to get them to stop. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. You don’t want them to stop. In truth, you should be encouraging it. These kids are not bragging or tattling, they are sharing their life.
The first rule of good ex-etiquette is, “Put the children first.” You framed your question from your perspective. I get it, it’s your life, but you made a choice to marry into this family. The kids did not, nor did they get a choice in their having to live in two homes.
Parents and bonus parents often convince themselves that a child’s life stops when they leave their home. “This is their real home. They are just visiting that other home, biding their time until they get home.” Some parents don’t believe that what happens at that other place is as important as what happens at their home, so they openly discount or compare the stories the children pass on.
In reality, these children share dual citizenship. They are members of both families and if they are raised to believe that one family is not as good or “temporary,” that will reinforce feelings of insecurity and not feeling safe at either home. That is why it is the parents’ and bonus parents’ job to look for ways to work as a team, creating as seamless a transition between homes as possible.
How do you do that? Encourage open communication and transparency. No secrets at either home.
When a child comes home with a story about the other home — good or bad — be interested, not offended. If further clarification is needed, create an environment where both homes can explore what is being reported and not take it personally.
It doesn’t matter if the kids are yours biologically or not. They live with you. You impact their life. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.”/Tribune News Service
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