Dear Abby: Relationship with ailing daughter a minefield

Dear Abby: My daughter was diagnosed with a disease. Soon after, she decided to marry a man she’d met. I’m not fond of the guy, and I find it difficult to have a relationship with him. They moved to another state, and I asked that she not bring him to this house. However, every chance she gets, she brings him, and he acts as if this is his house. Right now, I’m in counseling to help me find a solution to this issue.

My daughter is also in counseling and claims it is partially due to me. She’ll be having surgery soon, and I have decided not to stay in their home because I’d feel like a hypocrite. I have decided to stay in a hotel and come to their home only to help her. Am I wrong for handling the situation this way?

I don’t want to upset my daughter, and I’m sorry our relationship has become so complicated. She is a person who has to control everything. Having a conversation with her is out of the question because it leads to a shouting match and a great deal of disrespect on her part. I tend to shut down and withdraw. What should I do? — Cautious in Texas

Dear Cautious: I’m pleased to know that you are in counseling. Please discuss with your counselor how to be gracious to your son-in-law when your daughter brings him along when she visits you. (She may have little choice.) For the sake of your sanity, keep those visits short.

Your idea of staying in a hotel when you go to help your daughter after surgery is a logical one. It will give you quiet time to recover from the pressure of caring for her as well as your exposure to her husband. There should be no need for a shouting match; it is important that your daughter’s recovery be as stress-free as possible.

As to her being controlling, it may be time to ask yourself where that tendency may have come from.

Dear Abby: A close person in my life complains about money yet spends money on frivolous things. They have rooms full of decorations, dishes, plants, flowers and lanterns, and have done extensive planting in their garden, which, to some, is a waste of money. They buy groceries they don’t eat, and then complain about throwing food away.

An example: They bought Oreos, which they hate, so now the cookies sit in the cupboard. At some point, it will become “someone’s” fault, but maybe not the correct person’s. I guess they’re only happy when they are alone, buying decorations? — Not Managing in the East

Dear Not Managing: People shop (and sometimes overshop) for many reasons, including boredom, depression and compulsive behavior. If the person you are writing about is spending their own money, I see no reason why you should be writing to me. However, if it is your money, perhaps the “close person” needs to be put on a budget.

DEAR READERS: Time flies! Daylight saving time ends at 2 a.m. Sunday for most folks. Don’t forget to turn your clocks back one hour at bedtime tonight. While you’re at it, be sure to put fresh batteries in your carbon monoxide and smoke detectors. — LOVE, ABBY

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.