Dear Abby: Dates with husband only happen when I do the planning
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 17 years to a good man with many great attributes. However, our relationship lacks connection. Every effort at emotional connection is initiated by me (like planning date nights or going out for a walk to have a conversation). I have told him many times I need him to make an effort to initiate. He always agrees, but never follows through.I have now stopped planning date nights and told him that we won't be going on a date unless he schedules and plans it. (I do not require anything elaborate — a walk or a simple coffee would suffice.) That was two months ago, and he has made zero effort.I am lonely and at a loss. What should I do? I have clearly communicated my needs and what I expect from him, and he doesn't seem to care, so I'm not sure where to go from here. — LONELY IN MINNESOTADEAR LONELY: Has it not occurred to you that your husband of 17 years may not have the ability or experience to plan an outing? Assuming the two of you enjoy those walks and dates, and you want to stay married to him, resume taking the initiative and planning your personal time together and show him how it's done. It may not be romantic, but I have heard of men who have far worse flaws.DEAR ABBY: Do you think it's unreasonable to ask an acquaintance/neighbor to send a quick text before dropping by? This neighbor lives within the same development I do. She is friendly enough, and we occasionally walk our dogs together, but she has a habit of coming by unannounced.I was out one afternoon and noticed later while viewing my security camera that she had come by and brought with her another woman and the woman's dog. I texted her and let her know that I saw that she had stopped by, and, in the future, I'd prefer she texted me before stopping over. Now she is offended and says she will "never stop over again."I saw her walk by my house recently and came out to speak to her. When I tried to talk to her, she held up her hand and said, "Don't even speak to me!" I think this is childish and drama-filled. What do you think? -- GROWN-UP IN OHIODEAR GROWN-UP: I agree with you. The woman overreacted to your text. This is one of the reasons I believe talking on the phone or face-to-face is a better way to communicate because there's less chance of someone misconstruing a terse message and taking offense. As to her directive that you should not speak to her, take her up on it. Dropping in on someone with no warning is inconsiderate, bordering on rude.DEAR VETERANS: For your service to our nation, I salute you. My thanks to each of you on this Veterans Day. You personify patriotism, self-sacrifice and dedication to our country. I would also like to recognize your families for the sacrifices they, too, have made while you were serving your country. — LOVE, ABBYDear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 17 years to a good man with many great attributes. However, our relationship lacks connection. Every effort at emotional connection is initiated by me (like planning date nights or going out for a walk to have a conversation). I have told him many times I need him to make an effort to initiate. He always agrees, but never follows through.
I have now stopped planning date nights and told him that we won't be going on a date unless he schedules and plans it. (I do not require anything elaborate — a walk or a simple coffee would suffice.) That was two months ago, and he has made zero effort.
I am lonely and at a loss. What should I do? I have clearly communicated my needs and what I expect from him, and he doesn't seem to care, so I'm not sure where to go from here. — LONELY IN MINNESOTA
DEAR LONELY: Has it not occurred to you that your husband of 17 years may not have the ability or experience to plan an outing? Assuming the two of you enjoy those walks and dates, and you want to stay married to him, resume taking the initiative and planning your personal time together and show him how it's done. It may not be romantic, but I have heard of men who have far worse flaws.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it's unreasonable to ask an acquaintance/neighbor to send a quick text before dropping by? This neighbor lives within the same development I do. She is friendly enough, and we occasionally walk our dogs together, but she has a habit of coming by unannounced.
I was out one afternoon and noticed later while viewing my security camera that she had come by and brought with her another woman and the woman's dog. I texted her and let her know that I saw that she had stopped by, and, in the future, I'd prefer she texted me before stopping over. Now she is offended and says she will "never stop over again."
I saw her walk by my house recently and came out to speak to her. When I tried to talk to her, she held up her hand and said, "Don't even speak to me!" I think this is childish and drama-filled. What do you think? -- GROWN-UP IN OHIO
DEAR GROWN-UP: I agree with you. The woman overreacted to your text. This is one of the reasons I believe talking on the phone or face-to-face is a better way to communicate because there's less chance of someone misconstruing a terse message and taking offense. As to her directive that you should not speak to her, take her up on it. Dropping in on someone with no warning is inconsiderate, bordering on rude.
DEAR VETERANS: For your service to our nation, I salute you. My thanks to each of you on this Veterans Day. You personify patriotism, self-sacrifice and dedication to our country. I would also like to recognize your families for the sacrifices they, too, have made while you were serving your country. — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
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