Dear Abby: Couple at odds over daughter, 31, still living at home
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have three grown children, all of whom still live at home. I had always thought that once they graduated from college and got good jobs, they should start paying rent. Because my husband had to pay rent when he still lived at home, he said he would never do that to his kids.Our oldest, "Samantha," is now 31. She has a well-paying job and drives an expensive car. She does barely anything around the house but does buy her own food and toiletries.The other two help tremendously around the house, often without being asked. Samantha will sometimes do something, but I have to ask multiple times, and usually weeks go by before it gets done. She can't afford to move out because she has large student loan debt. Plus, why would she move when she lives rent-free and comes and goes as she pleases? Even her dog lives here for free.My husband and I have had many discussions about this, at my prompting, and it just leads to us arguing and me feeling resentful toward him. I couldn't enforce anything without his backing because, apparently, my opinion doesn't matter, so I just stay mad and wonder why I am even here. How can I make him realize how wrong he is and finally stop our daughter from walking all over us? — FRUSTRATED IN NEW JERSEYDEAR FRUSTRATED: Disagreements over child-rearing have destroyed marriages. Children should never be allowed to come between parents, which seems to have happened in your case. That your husband makes you feel your opinion doesn't matter is terrible. Does this disrespect spill over to aspects of your relationship other than this disagreement? At 31 (!) and gainfully employed, your daughter should have started shouldering some responsibility for herself years ago. Discuss this with a licensed mental health professional, and you may learn to become more assertive.DEAR ABBY: I am in a relationship with a lovely man. He respects me, appreciates me and accepts me (flaws and all), and we get along really well. He's the other half of me.Things are wonderful, except that he's been having really terrible breath lately, like a bad tooth or something. I've always been the quiet, shy type, never mentioning things that bother me (my kids' father abused me for several years), and I feel uncomfortable speaking up. But Abby, his bad breath drives me nuts. When he tries to kiss me, I give him a few pecks but feel repulsed at the unpleasant odor.How do I address this tactfully and respectfully? I don't want to embarrass him. How do I bring this up? — PUT OFF IN MASSACHUSETTSDEAR PUT OFF: Bring this up NOT as a criticism, but because you love and care about him. Do it not for yourself but for HIM. He may be having a problem with his teeth, his gums or his digestive system. For the sake of his general health, he should be checked out, first with his dentist and possibly later with his doctor.Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $16 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have three grown children, all of whom still live at home. I had always thought that once they graduated from college and got good jobs, they should start paying rent. Because my husband had to pay rent when he still lived at home, he said he would never do that to his kids.
Our oldest, "Samantha," is now 31. She has a well-paying job and drives an expensive car. She does barely anything around the house but does buy her own food and toiletries.
The other two help tremendously around the house, often without being asked. Samantha will sometimes do something, but I have to ask multiple times, and usually weeks go by before it gets done. She can't afford to move out because she has large student loan debt. Plus, why would she move when she lives rent-free and comes and goes as she pleases? Even her dog lives here for free.
My husband and I have had many discussions about this, at my prompting, and it just leads to us arguing and me feeling resentful toward him. I couldn't enforce anything without his backing because, apparently, my opinion doesn't matter, so I just stay mad and wonder why I am even here. How can I make him realize how wrong he is and finally stop our daughter from walking all over us? — FRUSTRATED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Disagreements over child-rearing have destroyed marriages. Children should never be allowed to come between parents, which seems to have happened in your case. That your husband makes you feel your opinion doesn't matter is terrible. Does this disrespect spill over to aspects of your relationship other than this disagreement? At 31 (!) and gainfully employed, your daughter should have started shouldering some responsibility for herself years ago. Discuss this with a licensed mental health professional, and you may learn to become more assertive.
DEAR ABBY: I am in a relationship with a lovely man. He respects me, appreciates me and accepts me (flaws and all), and we get along really well. He's the other half of me.
Things are wonderful, except that he's been having really terrible breath lately, like a bad tooth or something. I've always been the quiet, shy type, never mentioning things that bother me (my kids' father abused me for several years), and I feel uncomfortable speaking up. But Abby, his bad breath drives me nuts. When he tries to kiss me, I give him a few pecks but feel repulsed at the unpleasant odor.
How do I address this tactfully and respectfully? I don't want to embarrass him. How do I bring this up? — PUT OFF IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR PUT OFF: Bring this up NOT as a criticism, but because you love and care about him. Do it not for yourself but for HIM. He may be having a problem with his teeth, his gums or his digestive system. For the sake of his general health, he should be checked out, first with his dentist and possibly later with his doctor.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $16 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
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