Asking Eric: I saw his ex’s letters, and I don’t think he told her about me

Dear Eric: My partner and I just bought a house together and are settling in nicely.

He and his ex were married for 10 years, and she was mentally and emotionally abusive toward him. It took a lot of strength for him to leave.

They do not have children, pets or any property together. It should have been a clean break; however, she still contacts him.

Recently, she sent him a card in the mail. In it was a housewarming gift, a $1,000 gift card.

Two weeks later, she sent him a letter stating how much she still loved him, misses him and wishes he would let her into his life and that she’s changed. He’s not falling for it.

He’s aware she is being manipulative but he’s also not confronting her on the issue of letting go either. Instead, he’s choosing to ignore it and believes any response would fuel her behavior even more.

I trust my partner, and I know there’s no funny business happening. I also feel this isn’t healthy for anyone.

He’s mentioned in the past how he feels obligated to her (she saved his life a long time ago). I also do not believe he’s been forthcoming about our relationship, and I doubt she knows we’re even living together, so I feel like a secret (she absolutely despises me).

None of this feels good to me, and broaching the subject only brings tension. If we do, he treats it as though I’m the one with the problem and this is perfectly normal. What do you think?

– Silent Partner

Dear Partner: A thousand dollars and a manipulative confession of love? This is neither normal nor the kind of problem that just goes away. Your partner is either fooling himself or attempting to fool you.

Additionally, his reticence to set a clear boundary with his ex or even tell her that you’re living together suggests that he’s not ready to move on from this abusive relationship. That’s not his fault, but he has a responsibility to address it for his mental and emotional health and the health of your relationship going forward.

It can be hard to move on. Recovery from emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships takes a long time and is often more complicated than it initially seems. If he’s not actively working on it, however, he’s not going to make progress.

Your conversations may be less tense if you start them by acknowledging that the relationship with his ex remains complicated and probably involves a lot of conflicting feelings for him. But he also needs to recognize that your issues with the ex’s behavior are not a “you” problem, they’re a relationship problem that he has a big part in.

Dear Eric: I am a young woman, aged 30. I had a small fight with my sister sometime in December 2023. The words that hurt me most from her were “If we can’t get along, let’s leave this sisterhood.”

I was so devastated, heartbroken and lost. So, from that day I decided not to talk to her like we used to do.

She’s staying in another country, and I am in my home country. I do love her. I don’t even want any bad things to happen to her. But those words keep ringing in my head. What am I supposed to do?

– Worried Sister

Dear Sister: Your sister’s response was so extreme; I wonder if the small fight actually felt small to her. It’s possible she overreacted, or was in a heightened emotional state, but to propose severing your relationship suggests that this conflict has a longer backstory that needs resolving.

In the same vein, you were hurt enough to take her up on her proposal. That also suggests that this was the tip of an iceberg of bruised feelings between the two of you. So, what’s really going on?

No matter what lies beneath the argument, this doesn’t have to be the end.

In fact, by reaching out to her to unpack this, you may be able to break whatever pattern you’re both in. Try a call, if she’ll take it. Or a letter, if she won’t.

Start with the core truth: You love her, and you want to repair this. To do so, you need to talk about the ways that you were hurt, and you need to be open to hearing the ways that she felt hurt.

This isn’t easy and it may make both of you feel defensive. But the goal of the conversation is to get to the question “how do we move forward?” Try to push through to that.

It may take multiple conversations, apologies and amends. But hopefully, you can get to the point where you feel safe enough to take permanent separation off of the table.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.