Miss Manners: I’m baffled by the elaborate party she gave for herself

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-wife (we divorced 40 years ago) recently did something I would never dream of doing: She threw herself an elaborate catered party for her 70th birthday.

Our daughter and son-in-law attended, as did I, along with a dozen of my ex’s longtime friends. She gave each of us a copy of her self-published book of poems.

It all left me with very mixed emotions. Is this a thing people do all the time and no one told me? Was it meant to show her appreciation for us on her “journey in life,” or was it an opportunity for her to be the center of attention?

Either (or both) would be consistent with what I’ve observed of her personality over the decades. I don’t know if I should feel happy or embarrassed for her — or even sad. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That it no doubt provided bemused fodder for you to gossip about afterwards. For that, Miss Manners would think you would be grateful. Because if your former wife is not sad or embarrassed, why should you be?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I dislike being in posed photos, particularly now that everything ends up posted online.

Friends won’t let me off the hook. “Oh, come on!” they repeat, every time I say “no, thanks.”

Of course I participate during special occasions, such as family photos at my nephew’s wedding. But on casual occasions, how do I excuse myself from the frequent group shots?

GENTLE READER: Short of subtly making yourself invisible in the picture (turning your back, looking down, etc.), Miss Manners suggests physically excusing yourself just before they take the picture — leaving them to wonder if you are suddenly ill or just annoyed.

When you come back perfectly healthy and even-keeled, you may say, if they ask, “As I mentioned, I don’t like taking pictures. But I hope yours came out well.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a seasoned hairdresser, I have had longtime clients move away. They tell me their biggest fears are finding a new doctor and a new hairstylist.

I have often recommended that they politely ask women they meet for the name of their stylist, and whether they are taking new clients. I have gotten new clients by that technique myself. Most women really don’t have a problem with being asked.

GENTLE READER: It is the “politely” part that is key. Also important, Miss Manners suggests, is the assurance that you will not poach their hairdresser, pass their name to too many others or render it impossible for them to get an appointment themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the guest cancels a long-planned Sunday dinner at the host’s residence just a few hours beforehand (due to illness), who should follow up to reschedule? The host or the guest?

GENTLE READER: Genuine illness gets a pass, even if the host silently harbors resentment that the long-planned dinner was ruined at the last minute.

As it would be presumptuous of the guest to reschedule the event, and it is not known when the guest will be well again, Miss Manners suggests that the host says, “I hope you are feeling better. We would love to reschedule for next week if you are up to it; otherwise, please let us know when you are fully recovered and we’ll figure out a time.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.