Dear Abby: Old friends giving the cold shoulder

Dear Abby: For the third time in my life, I am being shunned by long-term friends. Over the years, I have expended a great deal of time and effort to stay in touch with them. Back when we lived in the same places, we were very close. Ultimately, I moved away but always stayed in touch.

These friendships have spanned decades and, since we rarely see each other, I can’t understand what might have happened to precipitate this. I know everyone has issues, but they no longer respond, and I’m extremely hurt by it. It takes only seconds to acknowledge a text or email. Certainly, I’d be there for them in any way I could if they were having difficulties.

I’d like to tell them off, but I know it would resolve nothing, although it might be nice to get it off my chest. I’m finding it hard to let this go. What do you think I might do? It’s hard to believe they could be so callous. — Let Down in Florida

Dear Let Down: Friendships don’t always last forever. Sometimes ties that bind people together start to fray. Geographical distance only adds to that. If I thought telling these people off would accomplish anything positive, I would say go ahead and do it, but it won’t. It would only justify the reason (if there even IS a reason) why they have moved on.

The healthiest thing you can do for yourself now is accept that what you had in the past no longer exists and concentrate on cultivating relationships closer to home with people who want to be friends with you.

Dear Abby: As a 70-year-old who devoted her nursing career to improving care for older adults, I know what good care looks like. I’ve seen it and provided it. Good care is when “what matters most” to patients drives the entire treatment plan. It’s age-friendly care that is informed by the medications we take, how easily we move, our mood and memory and our goals and preferences.

Unfortunately, we’re not getting good care as often as we should. A poll my organization conducted with Age Wave found that only 11% of older adults give the U.S. health care system a top grade. The survey also shows we value life in our years, not just years in our life. It highlights a disconnect between the care older adults want and what they receive. The gaps are most pronounced for people of color, women and those who live in rural areas.

Readers can learn about the care we want, deserve and can achieve at www.johnahartford.org/crossroads. It’s time to transform health care for older adults. I’m optimistic we can do it together. — Terry Fulmer, President, The John A. Hartford Foundation

Dear Terry: Thank you for writing. I am impressed at how well-funded and prudently managed your organization seems to be.
Readers, in 2023, this organization gave out $28 million in grants and another $2 million for research. Their grantees included a wide range of think tanks, advocacy groups, hospital systems and medical associations. If you are looking for an opportunity to get involved, visit the website Dr. Fulmer mentioned in her letter. If we want better care for older adults, we should all look into what it entails and how to see that we get it.

P.S. I am not affiliated with Dr. Fulmer’s organization, or any organization mentioned in my column.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.