Asking Eric: Sisters disagree over inheritance split

Dear Eric: When my mother passed away, her trust was split mostly between me and my sister, with a small percentage to my sister’s two kids. My mother and my sister lived together. My mother put the down payment on their house, and they split the mortgage and utilities. My sister covered most of the mortgage.

I have always imagined gifting a percentage of my stake in the house to my sister because she has been responsible for providing care for our mother and shared the expenses. In general, I have no interest in forcing her to sell the house, pay me rent, or buy me out, but also do not want to be financially responsible for the mortgage or upkeep, considering that she lives there, and I don’t need to benefit financially until she decides it’s time to sell the house.

My sister recently said she thinks she deserves more stake in the house. I don’t disagree, however, from my understanding, she has also received much more financial support than I have over the years (as well as a very affordable place to live). Her kids are also receiving a more significant portion of the estate than was intended. All in all, her side is inheriting 55 percent of the estate and I am inheriting 45 percent. Originally, I was thinking I would gift her 25 percent to consider her investment in the house over the years, but with the kids’ percentages, I was thinking maybe 10 percent to 15 percent would be fairer. What do you think?

– Shared Home

Dear Home: In the best cases, inheritances, wills and trusts are our ways of communicating our wishes and our love beyond death. That can sometimes get misconstrued, though.

If I’m reading correctly, the house isn’t yet paid off, so it’s less an inheritance at the moment than it is a shared expense. The trust division doesn’t seem to account for any of your sister’s past mortgage payments. Instead, it’s as if they were rent payments to your mother. This is a fine way to think of them but doesn’t seem fair in this circumstance.

Indeed, if the 55 percent also includes her children’s share and she’s going to be solely responsible for mortgage and upkeep going forward, she’s getting the short end of the stick.

One option is to have her calculate the amount she’s paid into the mortgage and the amount it will take to get it paid off, and, when she sells it, subtract that amount from the price of the house and divide the rest per the percentages in the trust.

I’m loath to suggest pulling out calculators when it comes to inheritance that is so wrapped up in other factors you can’t put a price tag on, like caregiving. However, if you don’t want to be on the hook for any of the house’s finances, having communication about who is footing what bills going forward will make it clearer what’s fair down the line.

Dear Eric: Your answer to the young mother whose husband didn’t like her friendships (“Finally Have Friends”) missed some troubling signs: She might be in an abusive relationship. Abusers often isolate their spouse from everyone around them, making her completely dependent on him. This family moved hundreds of miles from their former home, and she doesn’t appear to have a support system among his family or friends (it’s his hometown). There’s no mention of how, or whether, he’s sympathetic to the problems she had adjusting to the changes. Now he’s trying to keep her from the friends who seem to be her only lifeline, with comments and actions that don’t appear connected to reality. Having worked for a domestic violence nonprofit, all of this raises red flags.

– Concerned Reader

Dear Reader: I appreciate you raising these concerns. I reached out to the letter writer directly when the letter was published but I want to share a more complete answer here for anyone who sees similar red flags in their relationship.

Isolation is a hallmark of emotional abuse. Per the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (thehotline.org/800-799-SAFE/texting “START” to 88788), 95 percent of the contacts in 2020 stated they were experiencing emotional abuse.

These are behaviors by a spouse, partner or loved one that are meant to control, isolate or frighten. Some red flags include name-calling, gaslighting (making you question your reality/the truth), monitoring your activities/stalking, threatening suicide during arguments, repeatedly accusing you of cheating, blaming you for their unhealthy behaviors and withholding affection.

This is, by no means, a complete list. Sometimes the signs of emotional abuse are not immediately apparent, but the Hotline has a comprehensive section that provides more information, examples and options for determining next steps. Readers, please reach out if you or a loved one has questions or wants to understand your options. You are not alone.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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