Asking Eric: Sister claims sister-in-law ‘crashed’ nephew’s wedding

Dear Eric: I’m 65 and have always had a cordial but not loving relationship with my 64-year-old sister as our parents never encouraged their children to be loving to one another.

Last month, my nephew was married in a civil ceremony at my sister’s Midwest home due to an immigration requirement relating to his now-wife. Because we received notice of the date of the wedding one month before the ceremony, I could not get coverage at work. Thus, my wife and daughter attended in my absence.

My sister is now planning a second wedding for the couple in Hawaii. We were asked to commit (nine months before the date). We said we were uncertain as I can’t confirm I will be able to arrange coverage yet.

We received a vile letter from my sister, stating my wife crashed the first wedding (according to my sister she wasn’t invited), and it was my duty to attend irrespective of the distance and time of the year. How do we explain Hawaii requires two flights from the East Coast, the wedding is scheduled in the heat of the Hawaii summer on a Tuesday, and the wedding will be with the same 30 people who attended the first wedding? Cost is not the primary issue for me and my wife; however, it is for our three adult children.

– Second Wedding

Dear Wedding: It sounds like you don’t really want to go to the wedding, which is your right. There are other factors at play, of course, likely due to the unhealthy sibling dynamic established by your parents. That’s worth unpacking, but a wedding isn’t an ideal entry point for doing so. So, try to put aside as much of that as possible, at least for the moment.

I can see why you’re not rushing to RSVP, however. Your sister’s letter reads as needlessly antagonistic. (Your wife wasn’t invited to her nephew’s wedding? Even though the invitation came to your house? Nonsense!) The two of you should decide if the second wedding, and any attendant drama that might bubble up, is worth it to you. Perhaps it is for the sake of your relationship with your nephew. Perhaps not.

Either way, once you’ve made your decision, you’ll be empowered to manage your sister’s expectations. If you’re a “yes,” but won’t know about work coverage until later, you can tell her that and give her a date you’ll know for sure. That’s the best you can do, and she can either accept it or not.

There are understandable logistical questions involved with planning a destination wedding, but when one starts throwing around words like “duty to attend,” it moves beyond planning and into controlling behavior.

The choices she’s made about the wedding – location, time of year – needn’t be debated. Nor do the choices you’re able to make given the circumstances of your life.

Dear Eric: My husband and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary last month. We have wonderful children and grandchildren. Even though we have been through trials (caring for four aged parents over 29 years) we are so very lucky to be happy/healthy together with our amazing family.

From a Facebook post, people knew we were celebrating this occasion. We received a few cards. However, what we didn’t receive was any acknowledgement from our three siblings or their children.

Over the years, I have been involved in all their lives, never forgetting a birthday with a card/gift, sending big checks for graduations, engagements, weddings, births. I am really hurt by this. And angry.

When I speak to them again, I don’t know how to convey this without them becoming defensive. I’ve tried to avoid confrontation over the years.

– No Acknowledgement

Dear Acknowledgement: Congratulations on reaching this milestone. I’m happy for you and I’m sorry you didn’t get the well-wishes you wanted. Try to stick to “I” statements when you talk to your siblings, as in “I was hoping to hear from you for my anniversary and I felt disappointed that I didn’t.” Or “I felt hurt…”

Part of this is about mismatched expectations. You have never missed a special occasion. But that’s your own standard. They may not have the same expectation of themselves. This could indicate a thoughtlessness, or callousness; it could also just be the way they communicate. By talking to them about your feelings, you avoid making the conversation about what they did wrong and, hopefully, make it instead about clearing a path to better relationships.

Sometimes we have to tell our loved ones how we’d like to be shown love. Consider sharing with them how it makes you feel to send out cards and gifts for their special occasions. And also share how you hope it makes them feel. Then, remind them that you’d like to feel the same way.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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