Asking Eric: Friends’ petty complaints causing bitterness

Dear Eric: I’ve struggled with a mild autoimmune condition for the last three decades that would flare from time to time. Normal life is difficult during the flares, especially while raising a family and running a business with my husband. I did the best I could.

About five years ago, I got extremely sick, and it just got worse and worse. During this period I mourned the loss of my two brothers and my dad. Other traumatic things happened as well.

I’m trying to heal and, most of all, trying to make the most of every day I have even if I don’t. I read your wonderful column regularly. What would you recommend to help me with the little bit of bitterness I feel over people complaining about the most minor, often ridiculous non-issues, people who are squandering their precious days with anger or resentment over things that are not big deals while there are people hoping for just another year.

— No Complaints

Dear No Complaints: I am always struck with awe when I read the wise words of Kate Bowler, a Duke Divinity School professor and scholar of Christianity, who often writes about navigating life after a stage IV colon cancer diagnosis. In her book, “Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved,” she writes “I keep having the same unkind thought: I am preparing for death and everyone else is on Instagram.”

How can everyone else be so caught up in their little problems when life is so fragile and so fleeting? Often, we willfully don’t see the preciousness of our days because that’s a reminder of their finitude.

While the shortsightedness of others grates on you, use it as a reminder that they haven’t done the work that you have. And that they are, to paraphrase Ian McLaren, fighting a battle we know nothing about. For a lot of people, that battle is against a lack of meaning in their own lives.

Bitterness steals crumbs of your gratitude and awe. So, use the bitter feeling as an alarm: Alert! This person isn’t in the same place I am. Use it as permission to tune them out (or even cut them out of your life altogether for a time) and refocus on yourself, your journey and the parts of your life that connect you to meaning, wonder, and gratitude.

Dear Eric: I had a good friend who died last year. We knew each other for more than 50 years. We socialized as much as we could, and I talked to him frequently.

He became sick and I visited him as much as I could. After he died, I offered my help to his wife for arrangements with the funeral, since they didn’t have anything done. I didn’t hear any response.

We learned about the funeral through the internet. We sent flowers and cards; we never received any response. We called and left messages, the same way. We sent cards for masses, holidays and birthdays. No response.

We hear from other friends that she is fine. We don’t understand her behavior and we don’t know what else we can do. What is your advice?

— Perplexed Friend

Dear Perplexed: I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. I know that his wife’s silence is making the loss even harder. The silence also makes it hard to figure out what’s happening on her side. A likely explanation is that her grief makes it hard to talk to you or compels her to withdraw or is simply making logistics a challenge. That’s hard to take but it’s not about who you are. Grief is complicated and often vicious; it takes us out of ourselves.

Unfortunately, there’s nothing more you can do to foster a connection. For now, it’s important to recognize her silence as a boundary and respect that. You’ve shown your support in many ways, but if it’s not what she wants or needs, the most supportive thing to do is to step back with love.

Dear Eric: I would like to add something to your answer to “No Poker Face”, a 60-something white guy who asked how he should have responded to racist comments from an old friend.

I strongly recommend the Southern Poverty Law Center’s collection of downloadable PDFs, “Speak Up: Responding to Everyday Bigotry.” Formerly a book, “Speak Up” is a treasure trove of examples of how to respond to these all-too-familiar situations, from Thanksgiving dinner to the workplace and everywhere in between.

— Tough Conversation

Dear Conversation: Thanks for flagging this. What a great resource.

Dear Readers: On Nov. 10, 2024, I’m thrilled to join psychology scholar Dacher Keltner and creative entrepreneur Mali Bacon in a public conversation about Gratitude at the Spirit & Place Festival in Indianapolis. You can find more information at spiritandplace.org. I hope you’ll join us!

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)