Asking Eric: After seven years, partner still unsure about kids and marriage

Dear Eric, I have been in a seven-year relationship with my partner. We do not have any children together and we are not legally married. I am 36 and he is 39 and I am at the point where I would like to get married and have my own child.

When we first got together, he was very much open to marriage and kids, but it seems that this has changed, even though he has not clearly expressed this to me. He says he is open to it, but that we do not have a support system since both of our parents are deceased and we would have to have a plan.

Clearly, this is not something I can plan out like he would like.

As it pertains to marriage, in casual conversations we have on marriage, he does not really understand why people need to be married but will then say, “that does not mean we won’t get married.” But clearly seven years later I do not think he wants to.

I am at the point of wanting to end this relationship no matter how much I love him because these are definitely things that I want, even though I do feel like kids may no longer be in the cards for me since I am getting older, and the clock is ticking. I have not expressed that I want to end our relationship, because I don’t want to give him an ultimatum. Am I wrong for wanting to walk away?

– Confused Partner

Dear Partner: It’s possible that between the casual conversations and the unspoken ultimatum, there’s a lot of discussion that’s happening inside of both of your heads.

It’s time to talk logistics, fears and wants. What’s hard about this, of course, is that fear is often illogical, and our wants can be, too. But to move forward as a couple, you have to talk through it all. This is a great place for a couple’s counselor to step in. It can be incredibly helpful to simply have a neutral party helping you sort through your feelings and asking important questions.

You should tell him how you’re feeling and even the intensity of your feelings. You don’t have to give him an ultimatum, but it’s fair to say “marriage and children are really important [for these reasons]. There’s a biological time clock at work here and also my own independent schedule.” Share with him what’s behind the want for you, what you’re afraid of and what you envision for a plan. Obviously, we can’t predict the future, but too often these conversations get bogged down by one sticking point that can’t be addressed in the present but is quite solvable.

Then, ask him to share what he wants, what he’s afraid of, and what his plan is. You may find places where you match up; you may find places where you’re misaligned. Walking away may be what’s best for both of you but give yourselves the chance to talk honestly about it first.

Dear Eric: I would love to hear from you and your readers if anyone has this experience and advice on how to manage the repercussions. Our daughter was recently wed to a great guy. The two of them decided on the wedding invite list. They knew exactly which family and friends they wanted to share their spectacular day with. Well, my sister did not receive an invite and now my family has completely disowned me. I had fairly decent relationships and now it’s all gone. I tried to explain to them (including my mother) that it’s not my wedding and not my invite list. Is this a common occurrence? How do people manage in order to move on?

– Sad in Seattle

Dear Sad: I’m very sorry to hear about this. While estrangement impacts many families, each situation and each family are different. The circumstances around your family disowning you are, to put it mildly, odd. Yes, it hurts to be left off a guest list, but completely disowning a sister/daughter is extreme behavior. Sometimes these events are the tip of an iceberg that extends into the depths of a toxic relationship. So, your family members may have older resentments that acted as kindling. Add to that the spark of your daughter’s invite drama, and you’ve got a blaze.

Karl Pillemer’s book “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them” has helpful guidance for understanding, addressing and mending familial estrangement. I would strongly suggest you have a conversation with your family in which you ask a few questions and listen a lot. It’s hard to not defend yourself, especially in the face of such cruel capriciousness, but it may be educational for you to hear where they’re coming from in all this. Hopefully, what you glean will help you move forward.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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