4 new Netflix Christmas movies, from best to worst

Need an early Christmas gift? Here you go: four brand-new Netflix holiday movies, filled with sexy snowmen, festive male stripping, five-part harmony and Lindsay Lohan’s hair. What more could you possibly want this season? In Seattle Times tradition, I watched and rated them all, so you don’t have to. (But you might want to! Seriously, do check out that snowman.) Movies are rated on a scale of 1 (terrible) to 5 (a classic). Wishing us all — snowpeople and regular people alike — a happy holiday season.

‘Hot Frosty’

The premise: A young widow named Kathy (Lacey Chabert) falls in love with an extremely buff snowman (Dustin Milligan from “Schitt’s Creek”). No, seriously, that’s what it’s about. Due to a magic scarf, a picturesque winter’s night and a lot of wishful thinking, a handsome snow sculpture named Jack comes to life and helps Kathy cope with her loss, often by shirtlessly performing home repairs.

The setting: The fictional Hope Springs, New York, a delightful-looking small town full of festive holiday décor and people who are extremely willing to suspend disbelief.

The naughty: Other than the basic ridiculousness of its plot, honestly this movie is pretty adorable and I’m having a hard time coming up with criticisms of it, as I am not a Grinch but a hopeless romantic at heart. How can you possibly dislike a movie in which someone says, “I’m getting grief counseling from a snowman”? I will say that the entire issue of Jack’s body temperature seems poorly thought out (he gets uncomfortably warm when indoors, but doesn’t melt? Can Kathy’s house possibly be that cold?) and that I have already given way too much thought to this plot point, which will perhaps come in handy if I ever find myself dating a snowman.

The nice: Chabert and Milligan are quite sweet together, and the supporting cast is delightful, particularly Craig Robinson (Darryl from “The Office”) as a sheriff determined to keep Hope Springs crime-free (and who has written a real banger of a town theme song; stick around for it during the end credits). Also, in a moment of peak Netflix Christmas movie meta-ness, Jake and Kathy watch “ Falling for Christmas” (the 2022 Netflix Christmas movie starring Lohan) together, and Chabert — who co-starred with Lohan in “Mean Girls” 20 years ago — looks at Lohan on the screen and comments, “That looks like a girl I went to high school with,” and then pauses so everyone’s head can explode.

The décor: Snowy small-town charm with Christmas lights everywhere, particularly after Jack has added his decorating touch (how does he know how to hang lights? Or really do anything? Why am I overthinking this?) to Kathy’s cozy home.

Rating: 4.5

‘Meet Me Next Christmas’

The premise: Layla (Christina Milian) needs to go to a sold-out Christmas Eve Pentatonix concert so that she can meet up with her true love: a man she met in an airport lounge a year ago whose last name she doesn’t know. (The preceding is an extremely Netflix-rom-com sentence.) With the help of cute concierge Teddy (Devale Ellis), she runs around Manhattan in search of a ticket and … oh, come on, you know what happens.

The setting: Layla and Teddy walk the charmingly snow-bedecked streets of a festive New York City that’s curiously uncrowded (probably because it’s actually Toronto).

The naughty: I did not know that Pentatonix— a cheery, Grammy-winning a cappella vocal quintet — was a real group before seeing this movie (sorry, I don’t get out much), and now I feel that “Meet Me Next Christmas” really missed an opportunity to have the five of them narrate the story in harmony. As it is, the group mostly sits around in their lair (OK, it’s a fancy hotel) in their color-coordinated outfits following the story and occasionally busting out a line of song or a bit of influence over the plot, and I kept being distracted by imagining them as a tuneful version of the Avengers.

The nice: Layla and Teddy are extremely cute, and while the journey to get the ticket does strain credulity — remind me again how they found themselves at a drag talent show? Or in line to shop at Chanel? — the two of them have such charming chemistry that you root for them. And also Layla and her best pal Roxy (Tymika Tafari) have a scene in which they wear adorable holiday-themed onesie pajamas while hatching romantic schemes, and in my dreams every movie has this scene.

The décor: Alas, we never see the inside of Layla’s enchanting Victorian home in Poughkeepsie — she seems like someone who’d have killer holiday décor — but there’s plenty of twinkle lights throughout “Meet Me Next Christmas,” particularly in the airport lounge scene that opens the film. (Apparently, only extremely good-looking people are allowed to enter airport lounges, a fact I have long suspected but have never been able to verify.)

Rating: 4

‘The Merry Gentlemen’

The premise: After being abruptly fired from her job as a dancer in a Rockette-ish New York City holiday show, Ashley (Britt Robertson) dejectedly heads home — to find that her parents’ performing arts venue, The Rhythm Room, is on the verge of permanent closure. Would staging an all-male burlesque revue, with the help of handsome local carpenter Luke (Chad Michael Murray), save the day? If you do not know the answer to this question, you have clearly never seen a Netflix Christmas movie, and probably need some eggnog.

The setting: Small-town Sycamore Creek, where everyone knows everyone and even random barflies seem quite willing to strip off their shirts for a good cause. Much of the action takes place in The Rhythm Room, which looks remarkably like a very nicely decorated bowling alley except that it doesn’t have any actual bowling lanes, and which is, we’re told, “a place for people to come together, in good times and bad.” (Although apparently nobody comes there until the male strippers show up.)

The naughty: The stripping is fairly G-rated, and two of the four male dancers aren’t really very good (it’s rather easy to see who was cast for acting chops and who was cast for dance skills, and it’s not fooling anyone to put the weaker dancers in the back).

The nice: Knees will weaken across the nation not at the dancing, but at Murray’s sultry delivery of the line, “I’m not a performer, I’m just an average guy who knows how to fix a faucet.” Luke even has an extremely art-directed woodworking studio (bonus points for the perfectly swagged Christmas greenery!), where he attractively makes furniture while posed under excellent backlight.

The décor: This is the sort of picturesque small town where even the taxicabs drive around festooned with holiday frippery, and in which Ashley and Luke meet-cute because she becomes entangled in a festive garland. But I’m a bit miffed that we only got the tiniest peek at Ashley’s rather gorgeous Manhattan apartment, which seems far fancier than any dancer in a show could afford. Perhaps she secretly owns a chain of male-stripper franchises. (Maybe that’s next year’s holiday movie?)

Rating: 3

‘Our Little Secret’

The premise: Avery (Netflix holiday movie stalwart Lindsay Lohan) and her boyfriend Logan (Ian Harding) broke up during the holidays 10 years ago. Fast-forward to the present, and Avery arrives with new boyfriend Cameron (Jon Rudnitsky) to spend the holidays with Cameron’s family — only to find that Logan and his crew-neck sweaters are also in residence, as the new boyfriend of Cameron’s sister Cassie (Katie Baker). Apparently, Avery has not been following this family very closely on Facebook. Various schemes to cover this up ensue, because just being honest about the situation doesn’t seem to occur to anyone.

The setting: Suburban Georgia, where Cameron’s family lives in a massive house full of guest rooms and more Christmas wreaths than you could ever think possible. (There’s even one on the headboard of Avery and Cameron’s bed; I guess to remind them at all times that it’s the holiday season?)

The naughty: Sigh. Despite the presence of some very funny people — Kristin Chenoweth as Cameron’s ultra-controlling mother, Erica; Tim Meadows (another “Mean Girls” reunion!) as a close family friend; Chris Parnell as a random veterinarian — the not-so-fun secret of “Our Little Secret” is that it’s kind of dull, except for a weird horror-movie-ish scene when Avery, high on THC gummies, starts performing Kool & the Gang’s “Celebration” in front of the congregation at church, and I honestly wish I was making this up.

The nice: Um … Lohan, a pro at this sort of thing, does her best to sell it, but mostly I found myself wondering how she gets her hair to be that sleek. And there’s a quite decent supporting performance from a little dog, who always seems to know exactly where the cameras are.

The décor: Perhaps a bit too tasteful — you can sense that Erica personally approved every light and random tree — but the aforementioned wreaths do look delightful.

Rating: 2

What the numbers mean

1: Not even worth hate-watching

2: If there’s nothing else to watch, try this

3: Watchable, some semblance of plot

4: Cute, heartwarming

5: A classic to watch every year